A Note From Pollyanna

We live in a quantum world. We live in a quantum world governed by laws of attraction and repulsion. You know, when they do scans of brains, the fMRI or whatever reads the electrochemical activity. All of that activity has influence in the world. What we send out, we get returned – ten-fold. These natural laws are simple, living with them is a bit harder. I was a Hollywood actor; I know what faith is. I know how hard it is to have faith. There are two or three things about faith I want to share.

pollyanna

First, I grew up in an environment of abuse, terror; being seen but not heard, of being rarely defended and what the neighbors thought always being privileged over me. The belief that there was a different kind of life out there – ‘belief’ is even too strong a word; it was more like a scent. I just knew there had to be something different. Frankly, I’m grateful to all of those TV and movie stars who graced the covers of the Enquirer, the Star and all of those magazines my mom bought. Those photos gave me a glimpse into what was possible. Somehow, I thought, all those people got there (Pearl Bailey!) and they got there from somewhere. Their ‘somewhere’ couldn’t be so different from my somewhere.

The second thing I wanted to say about faith is that I lost it. At the risk of complaining, when you’re an actor in Hollywood, everyone else is making decisions about your life: whether you get to do what you do, whether you’re good or bad, whether you eat and so on. No matter what a person does there, she exists in a sticky web of seeking permission. Literally, or figuratively, one’s hand is always out. It’s the cultural ecology.

After a few dry spells, I saw through this. I wanted to do my thing. A recurring image kept creeping up in my mind: me, in my 70s, alone in a one bedroom apartment in Hollywood, with a bunch of cats. I spent my whole life knowing I’d get somewhere and realizing that I was fast on my way to that apartment. I also realized that maybe there was a reason the work wasn’t coming to me – I didn’t want it. On some level, I was pushing it away. This scared me; I’d worked so hard to get where I was. On the other hand, I sure as hell didn’t come onto this planet just to be on sitcom or to get a role in a movie. No way.

I had so much else I wanted to do in the this world – teaching, learning, creating – I realized that the best I could hope for as an actor in H’wood was to get my own series or to win an Oscar. But these things didn’t exactly get my blood going. No quickening of the pulse, no motivation, no satisfaction. I didn’t train all of those years or go through all of things I went through just to get a show which, most likely, would be canceled after two seasons. Or, an award that would end up propping open the bathroom door. I also discovered that I had no ambition anymore, no fire; only a tin drum about what good could happen.

So, I went back to school. And I studied something that drew me like acting used to – Philosophy. Through Philosophy I found my sense of Self again. Philosophy was what I was curious about. I followed my interest; my internal road map – and on that road my Faith was waiting. In Hollywood, and elsewhere, everyone tells you whether you should be doing what you’re doing. Approving, disapproving, etc. I listened and it ruined my faith.

The last thing I want to say is that when I met Vajdon, just before graduating with my Philosophy degree, I was brimming with Faith. Capital F. I’m not sure how it came back but there was something about throwing the opinion of others, and my own doubts, aside. A while later, when I learned that we would need to leave the the US, I realized the connection between my Faith and us finding a place where we could be safe. Trust me, there was no information about how to get out of the States. Everyone, apparently, wants to get in. But, because the States doesn’t value my family, we weren’t safe and had to go. It took us eight years, a trip to Europe, four cross-continent moves, numerous legal proceedings and horrible, horrible, horrible separations – oh, and thousands and thousands of dollars. The Faith I regained in myself by paying attention to my internal roadmap is a bit of a spine for me now.

Julian Voss-Andreae, Science (Quantum Woman)

Julian Voss-Andreae, Science (Quantum Woman)

It is a quantum world. Our inner voice is our inner voice because without it those brain waves cannot shape ourselves, other people and our environment. It can’t draw events, opportunities and resources to us.

Of course, this is threatening to others, to the status quo. I can’t tell you how often people wrinkle their nose at the notion. Too bad for them. Almost everyone advises and judges behavior or actions that don’t affirm what they know. A wrinkled nose, a furrowed brow, a dull stare; don’t do this, don’t do that. Every voice in the world tells us to conform, do what others do, don’t make waves and so on. But, one can draw things to herself – money, opportunity, people – or she can push them away. Faith is the door through which all of these things do, or don’t, travel.

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~ by Thom on February 28, 2009.

One Response to “A Note From Pollyanna”

  1. First blog I read after wakeup from sleep today!

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